part 2. internet research
I wanted to feel informed. I wanted to own my repulsive nipples and shrink them down from a symptom of alien metamorphosis to a simple curiosity. Maybe there was a pill I could take that would even them out or at least contain their obliquity. I wanted to know what was going on and why it was going on with me.
WebMD offered nothing on the subject of scary nipples. A Google search on “uneven nipples” yielded 584,000 results. Not bad. I could do work with 584,000 hits. It seemed likely, in that heap, I would find something or someone that could help me before I go all the way Gregor Samsa. Maybe that’s the way it started with him, asymmetrical nips, only he didn’t notice and suddenly he was a giant bug. I Googled “Kafka’s nipples” just in case that led anywhere – 26,900 hits – not least of which directed me to Amazon for Phillip Roth’s “The Breast“, a short novel about a man who wakes up as a 155 pound breast. Sure it’s fiction, but I did not take this as a good sign. As “Kafka’s nipples” only depressed me further, I abandoned them and dove back into the “uneven nipples” bounty, however, it quickly became difficult to make heads or tails out of it. Mostly, uneven nipples seemed to be a symptom of bad plastic surgery, though I did turn up this curious item: just last year there was a big stir about uneven nipples. It seems Robert Pattinson, an actor, was under suspicion for harboring some scary, screwball nipples underneath his clothes. Sordid stuff. In fact, a subsequent query, “Rob Pattinson Mipple Gate 2009,” produced 276 million hits. That’s got to be like half the internet. This proved to be a real can of worms, though, for a few reasons:
1. Mr. Pattinson doesn’t actually have spooky beast nipples, though he does play them on film. Mr. Pattinson’s real nipples were made up for his role in an alleged vampire movie, only cementing a concerning link between uneven nipple deformity as a characteristic of depraved monstrosities.
2. None of the links I explored offered any legitimate medical information for the treatment of Mr. Pattinson’s alleged Frankenipples, unless you count this, and that’s purely cosmetic. Still, there is something enjoyable about of a nipple makeup specialist going on record, by way of self promotion, to say Mr. Pattinson suffers from “grossly uneven nipples” when his “grossly uneven nipples” were in truth the effect of makeup. One would think a counterfeiter would recognize a counterfeit. Based on photographs of Mr. Pattinson outside of a single scene in an alleged vampire movie, I would characterize his true nipples as only grossly normal.
3. 276 million hits for one man’s alleged asymmetrical nipples is terrifying. Imagine were Mr. Pattinson’s nipples actually asymmetrical. The internet would crash, adolescent girls everywhere would stab out their eyes, and the world would end. 276 million hits! “Jesus” only turns up 155 million hits and I’ve heard of him. How did this story elude my attention? 276 million hits!
At any rate, I somehow missed the bus on a gangbusters uneven nipple story, even if untrue, and now I fear I am further behind the curve on getting a hold of this thing. After researching, I only have more questions than answers: Why is a male nipple termed a “mipple” in internet slang, but a female nipple is just a nipple? Shouldn’t it be a “fipple” and we do away with nipple entirely or at least reserve it only for discussion of nipples in connection with hermaphrodites or asexual organisms? Do asexual organisms have nipples? Why isn’t there a foundation fighting for a cure for asymmetrical nipples? Is there anyone with actual uneven nipples who isn’t an abomination or portrayed as one in the media? What is going to happen to me and my spoiled nipples? How can I stop it? How long do I have?