Home > Uncategorized > part 3. nipplelessness: a theory.

part 3. nipplelessness: a theory.

It is often said that “Time heals all wounds.” Well, despite the passing of a few days, my nipples remained uneven. So much for the magic hands of time. Perhaps in the future, should the occasion arise, it would be more accurate to say “Time heals some wounds, but not nipple wounds.”

Even though my condition had not improved, I felt strangely hopeful. I found perspective; maybe I had gnarled, gnome-nipples, but I wasn’t the biggest monster out there, at least according to this chart. The aberrations that are my nipples tipped the scale somewhere between the Wicked Witch of the West and T-Rex. My spirits lifted, but I still hated my nipples, incongruent as they were. I might as well have been Sweetums or Garthe Knight.

My Nipple Potential: Sweetums/Garthe Knight

That’s not a life. I wished I never had nipples. The very moment that my wish escaped, I was struck by the Newtonian apple of Nipplelessness. Nipplelessness. Why not? If I could have corrective surgery to affix fake nipples to my chest or run out and tattoo a perfect pair of nipples on there, why couldn’t my nipples just be done away with entirely? Why did I need nipples?  I didn’t lactate. I wasn’t in porn. My nipples were purely ornamental. Purposeless. Unnecessary. My ghastly uneven nipples added zero good to the world. If anything my nipples subtracted good. They angled toward evil. A life without nipples, though, could be zero-sum.

Nipplelessness, while freaky in the abstract, had to be better than the asymmetrical hell I occupied. Take, for example, this nippleless, asian chicken soup can monster. Odd, maybe, but not scary. I could get down like that. You know who else doesn’t have nipples? Ken. Ken’s alright. Ken’s cool. Everybody likes Ken. I could live as a monster like that. I could even wear the same crazy skin-tone underwear as part of the bargain (though I wouldn’t want them permanently molded to my body). Ken represented a life, a life filled with possibility, of not being bound by my David Bowie Scary Monsters (and Super Creepnipples).

Ken: Nipples Not Included

Ken. Nipplelessness. This could work. I could rise like a Phoenix from nippleless ashes.

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